Don't take marriage lightly, bastard!
by trisha23flow
Summary: Hijikata was being forced in a marriage with the gorilla that Kondo was already destined to marry before. In order to prevent this upcoming calamity of his, he asked a certain red head china girl to help him and acts as his girlfriend in a given time. Would romance be possible between these two? Warning of SM, Sukonbu and Mayo /HijiKagu/
1. Arranged Marriages are pain in the ass

**Note: This is a HijiKagu fanfic. Don't like it, don't read it. Simple as that :)**

** Their age are just like from the series. No timeskip happened. **

**Please enjoy.**

**Chapter 1: Screw arranged marriages**

Hijikata Toushirou, the demon vice-commander of Shinsengumi is now clearly irritated and disgusted. He has no idea how the hell did this happen to him.

Taking a singe stick of cigarette from the pack to smoke, he said "What's the meaning of this, pops?" Clearly, there's an irritation in his voice. However, Matsudaira pays no attention to his question. He just continued on what he's talking about. "So that's it, Toushi. I'm counting on you."

Taking the cigarette out from his mouth "I see... my ass! What the hell was that? The readers didn't understand a thing?! Repeat it, repeat it." He exclaimed.

"What I'm talking about is, you will marry this Princess Bubbles of Orangutan Planet" Matsudaira handed a folder containing a picture of Princess Bubbles.

"Why the hell do I have to marry that Gorilla? And also, wasn't this gorilla was once already arranged to marry Kondo-san?"

"As you see, Toushi. After that incident, she went through alot of diet! She shaved all her hair in her body. She's now a beautiful woman inside and out!" Matsudaira exclaimed.

Taking a look at the picture inside the folder, Hijikata froze in shock. His cigarette fell from his mouth and dropped on to the wooden floor. "Beautiful women my ass! She doesn't changed one bit! She's still a gorilla!"

"Please, toushi. The fate of human race in your hands. This is to make up what happened last time with Kondo."

"Just ask Sougo to marry her, I don't have time to deal with this crap." Hijkata said and get up from his position.

"Toushi, you can't decline this one. The bakufu has already decided. There are some ways to avoid this though"

"What did you say, pops?" Hijikata asked

"I said that there is way to avoid this wedding of yours."

Hijikata strolled around the Kabukicho to lighten his mood but every minute he remember the marriage and the gorilla, he was getting pissed and pissed. He remembered what Matsudaira said.

**_Flashback_**:

"Toushi, you can't decline this one. The bakufu has already decided. There is a one way to avoid this though"

"What did you say, pops?" Hijikata asked

"I said that there is only one way to avoid this wedding of yours."

"Then what is that?" He nervously asked.

"Convincing your girlfriend to marry you or you can just ask any girl you know to act as your girlfriend and marry you to prevent this calamity. Neither I don't want that gorilla to be you wife. That's all. See ya, Toushi."

**_End of flashback_**

"That old man knows better that I don't have girlfriend to begin with, neither a girl I know." Hijikata just sighed.

"No, wait. There's one" he stopped and hurriedly ran to the yorozuya trio.

** In the yorozuya~**

"Uhm, what can we do for you?" Shinpachi asked nervously while offering a tea to the demon vice-commander who's just spacing out.

"Oi! The hell is that guy doing here? Did his soul get consumed again by Tosshi?! Or maybe they come to arrest you Kagura from being an illegal immigrant?!" Gintoki whispered to Kagura.

"What are you talking about Gin-chan? They would never do that. I'm a good city girl. Or maybe he come to arrest you from being a former big-time Jouishishi" Kagura replied.

"That's impossible! I'm just a normal model citizen right now!" Gintoki defended.

"What part of you is a model citizen?!"

"What did you say?!"

"You want a fight?!" Then Kagura and Gintoki started their daily routine, fighting over stupid things.

"Stop it you two." Shinpachi interrupted. "It's rude fighting in front of our customer"

"Che. I got it, I got it. So, what do you need, Oogushi-kun?" Gintoki asked. But Hijikata just kept quiet. He was still spacing out. "Oi, is that guy okay?" Gintoki added.

"Don't tell me... his soul was being consumed again?" Shinpachi nervously asked. The yorozuya trio just stare at the policeman who's just spacing out with lifeless eyes. "Gin-chan, did mayo become a zombie?" Kagura asked.

"Yes, Kagura. We can't save him anymore. After all, we don't have the antidote for T-virus. Maybe the reason he came here is to let us finish him. He don't want the Shinsengumi to dirty their hands. Such a great Vice-commander" Gintoki said in a very serious tone while whipping tears using a handkerchief.

"What the hell are you talking about, Gin-san?! Shinpachi exclaimed. "Maybe he's just depressed."

"About what? Not getting his regular calorie and nicotine intake?" Gintoki asked then took a sip from his beloved strawberry milk. "Calcium is what people really need. Look at me? I'm always strong!"

"We're getting out of nowhere, Gin-san."

"I'll try to bring him back from reality!" Kagura claimed. She walked towards the lifeless vice-commander and started tapping his face. "Oi, oi, you still alive?" She asked with a mocking tone, still tapping his face.

"Uhm, Kagura-chan. I think it's not a good idea. He might be in a bad mood."

Kagura, ignoring Shinpachi's warning, still continued on tapping Hijikata's face. Her taps are getting harder and harder every tap. Until someone grabs her wrist and brought her face closer to his.

"Oi, china-girl. Would you be my wife?" Hijikata asked with calm expression on his face like there's nothing wrong about it. However, a very hard slap from Kagura was the only respond that he almos turn his head 360 degrees. Shinpachi and Gintoki were completely frozen on their sits with what they're seeing right now.

"What was that for, china-girl? I thought you were one of the Odd Jobs. You would accept any jobs for money right?" Hijikata asked while rubbing his right cheek that kagura just slapped.

Gintoki and Shinpachi were just showing a strong sign of shock in their face.

"Oi, he's turning into a different character now. He sounds like a sex-offender now."

"I agree, Gin-san. What the hell did happened just now? Is that really Hijikata-san?"

"Maybe he got tired from being a loser otaku and bought a new cursed sword that allows him to become a pedo now." Gintoki laughed nervously.

"What are you two blabbing about there?" Hijikata asked. "I have a request from you, yorozuya"

Hijikata explained his problem to clear the misunderstanding about the confession he've just said to Kagura now.

"It must be hard for you, Hijikata-san. To marry a gorilla" Shinpachi said.

"Isn't that nice, Oogushii-kun? You will have now two valuable gorilla in your life, your wife and your commander. And when you're blessed, you might have a child. That would result to 3 gorilla." Gintoki said in a mockery tone while picking his nose.

"Who the hell are you calling Oogushi?! Are you mocking me?! Who would want a three gorilla?! Hijikata exclaimed.

"In the end, you didn't deny your commander being a gorilla too." Kagura said, also picking her nose.

"Can't you just decline the offer, Hijikata-san?" Shinpachi asked.

"Do you think I would come all the way here to ask you idiots to help me if I can just decline it? Unfortunately, it's not that way. It's a political stuff after all. The only thing to prevent it to show them that I'm already with someone" Hijikata lit up a cigarette to calm him.

"So that's why you asked our Kagura to marry you? Did you become a pedo, Hijikata-kun?" Gintoki sarcastically asked.

"Shu-shut up! I don't have any choice! I don't have a girlfriend neither a girl I know. The only thing I can think about is that china girl"

"What about Otae? Gintoki asked. "Oh I forgot, she's a gorilla too."

"Gin-san. I can hear you, you know."

"Shut up, siscon."

"Like I'll ask that woman. It may cause a misunderstanding to Kondo-san"

"What misunderstanding! Kondo-san is not my sister's boyfriend!"

"Back to what we're talking about. You need Kagura's help, right?" Gintoki asked.

"Yeah, I'll pay you how much it cost. And also, don't let anyone know that we're just a fake couple even they're you close friends. I will not pay if you spill it out."

"Just leave it to us." Gintoki said with a satisfying smile on his face. "Kagura, you need to dress more womanly now and act as his girlfriend or wife, okay?"

"Are you selling me, Gin-chan?

"It's just business, kagura. That guy will feed you 24hrs and will buy all you want. Just think of him as a slave."

"Okay, gin-chan. I got it." Kagura nodded and faced Hijikata's nervous face because of what Gintoki just said earlier. "Oi, buy me sukonbu"

"Okay okay" Hijikata just sighed defeatedly. "But before that, go ask Shinpachi's sister to dress you up. We're going somewhere." Kagura just nodded and tag Shinpachi hurriedly to Otae's house.

After the two disappeared in the house. The two older men were just left in complete silence.

"Take care of our Kagura"

"Don't worry, I will, even if you don't ask me." Hijikata said then exhaled a nicotine from his mouth just earning a smile from Gintoki.

**NOTE: I'm too lazy to reread it now since it's already midnight xD. So I'm sorry for any spelling and grammatical errors. Also, I have mind lapses so sorry if I missed out any words in my sentences. In other words, I'M SORRY FOR CREATING THIS FANFIC (lol)**

**Reviews and mockery are greatly appreciated. They inspires me alot to write more. I'm also delighted if you point out my errors so I will know where I lack and how to improve it.**

**Thanks for reading. See ya next chapter~ (If you'll return xD)**


	2. Lady Kagura

**Note**: I'm really sorry for the late update! I was hospitalized and our internet connection was cut off. It took me some time to write this since it's very hard to write without any reference materials (the internet, lol)

**Disclaimer: **So once again, I don't own Gintama neither the characters. Please Enjoy~

Shinpachi and Kagura headed out to Otae to dress up Kagura that will make her look like a fine lady.

"We're here, Kagura-chan" Shinpachi said

"Yosh! Let's make me a lady already!" Kagura shouted and started marching inside the Shimura's house.

**Inside the Shimura house~**

Otae offered a tea to both Kagura and Shinpachi

"What brings the two of you here?" She asked.

"Anu-ue. As you see, Kagura-chan is already marrying Hijikata-san" Shinpachi said nervously preparing himself from any violent reactions from his sister.

"Eh! Is that true, Kagura-chan?!" Otae asked. Kagura just nodded as a response. "Isn't that kinda fast, Kagura-chan? You're too young for that and more importanly, why Hijikata-san? I've never saw you hanging out or dating"

'_Oh crap! I need to think of some lame excuse to this but I doubt it will work on Ane-ue and Hijikata-san also said that we must not let anyone know about this fake wedding even our close friends! I need to think of something, something! Use your lame megane powers, pattsuan!'_ Shinpachi said to himself. _'Ah, I'll just go with this one! It's worth a try. Please, work!'_

"It's what you called love, Anu-ue" Shinpachi said, laughing nervously hoping Otae to buy his excuse.

"But still..." Otae muttered.

"That's right. It's called love, Otae-san" A familiar voice joined into the conversation that has a soul of a gorilla who 's getting outside of a cabinet.

"Kondo-san!" Shinpachi shouted

"Who said you can join in the conversation, you damned gorilla!" Otae exclaimed who's about to punched Kondo being stopped by Shinpachi.

"Wait, Anu-ue. I think Kondo-san has the right to join in this conversation since it's a marriage between Hijikata-san and Kagura-chan" Shinpachi explained.

"Eeeh! Toshi's getting married with this china girl?! I can't believe it" Kondo said.

'_So even Kondo-san didn't know it.'_

"He must be planning to tell you by surprise, Kondo-san" Shinpachi laughed nervously.

"So back to what we're talking again" Otae interrupted. "You're too young to get married and I've never saw you date with Hijikata-san even once. Even if it's love, isn't that too fast? You can still meet new guys around your age"

"Sou, sou" Kondo nodded. "Toshi is too busy for dates and I don't think he will even spend time on it."

_'Kondo-san! You're killing our chance to make up an excuse! It was a bad idea to let you join in this conversation!' _

"But Kondo-san, maybe Hijikata-san has already decided about this matter and really wanted to surprise you about this marriage of his. You may not know it but Hijikata-san is actually visiting Kagura-chan in the yorozuya."

"Eh, he actually did that?" Kondo asked, a little bit surprised.

"Ye-yes! Ri-right, Kagura-chan?" Shinpachi said sweat-dropping and looked at Kagura asking for backup support.

"Sou-aru! He visited us today. I tapped his face and then suddenly, he grabbed my hand asking for a marriage. I slapped his face. He said that he don't want to marry a gori-" Shinpachi immediately cover Kagura's mouth with his hand before saying something that will lead up to no good.

_'Oii! What are you saying Kagura-chan?! No one must know it except us! Just say that you love Hijikata-san, that's all!_' Shinpachi whispered to Kagura.

"Is there something wrong, Shin-chan?" Otae asked.

"I-it's nothing, Anu-ue"

"Why did you slap Tosshi, china girl? And what's about something not wanting to marry a gori..?" Kondo asked.

"Kagura-chan was just surprised about the sudden proposal. It usually happens hahaha!"

"Then what about not wanting to marry a gori.. am I right?" Kondo asked once again.

"Oh! Kagura-chan just said that Hijikata-san don't want to merry christmas with a gori, haha"

"Eh? Christmas?" Kondo said curiously. "Wait, last question. China gi-" Before Kondo finished his question, Kagura has already pointed her umbrella to him.

"What questions gorilla, huh?!"

"No-nothing. I just want to say that the two of you may be happy together. Bye." Then finally the hostalker disappeared. Shinpachi felt relieved same with Kagura.

"I don't think I don't have to ask you anymore questions, Kagura-chan. I hope that you'll be happy with Hijikata-san." Otae said, smiling.

"Anego.." Kagura muttered.

"About that anu-ue. Could you help Kagura-chan to dress up ladylike? Even just a yukata is okay"

"Oh, I don't mind. Instead, I'll be happy to help. Saa, let's start shopping."

* * *

"They're sure taking their time. It's almost evening" Hijikata said, taking another inhale in his cancer sticks.

"Don't worry about it. I'm sure Kagura will look like the bride of your dreams when they've arrived" Gintoki said looking outside.

Hijikata exhaled nicotine from his mouth and said, "Che. Whatever"

"Oh here they are!" Gintoki exclaimed.

"Lemme see!" Hijikata pushed Gintoki near the window but Gintoki just pushed back.

"You must see your little bride face to face, Oogushi-kun" Gintoki said. Hijikata just smirked.

As the door slides slow motioned, the two older men are getting more nervous in every noise they hear coming from the door. They're too curious on what kind of make-over did Otae did with Kagura that take them too long.

"I hope she didn't turn Kagura into a gorilla" Gintoki said

When the door was finally fully opened, still slow motion in actions..

"Damn it! I can't handle this pressure anymore! Why are you making it too dramatic! Hurry up and get your asses here already!" Gintoki finally snapped.

"We're just joking around with you guys" Shinpachi laughed. "Come in now, Kagura-chan"

As Kagura enters the room there was a complete brightness around the house.

"Damn, it's too bright! Is she wearing a flashlight?!" Gintoki shouted, covering his eyes with his arms.

"Oi, this is getting ridiculous. You're just making the chapter long, you damn author!" Hijikata said.

Oy shut up. I'm still thinking what Kagura's wearing. This is really troublesome, I hate describing.

"Do your job, goddamn it! You'll lose your readers at this rate! We will also lose our eyes from this brightness" Gintoki exclaimed.

"You're just really making this chapter long!" The mayo nicotine freak exclaimed. "What's with the mayo nicotine freak?! I'll kill you!"

Hai hai, I'll just have to do it. That's already enough to make the chapter long xD. Back to the scene~

There was a complete brightness just like when Gintoki revealed his screwdriver. Just what Kagura is wearing? Is she really wearing a flashlight? Is the author too lazy to write it?

"Damn it. I can't see a thing. Where the hell are you, china-girl?!" Hijikata said while trying to use his hands to find Kagura. (I don't know how to explain it, just think of a blind people trying to look for something) Fortunately, he has held an arm, he don't know who's it is though but he can tell that it's Kagura judging from her soft smooth skin and thin arms. The light slowly disappeared just as when he hold the lady's arm. When the light completely faded, he saw that it was really Kagura who he's holding.

She's wearing a carnation-colored kimono, printed with cerulean round flowers along with a violet obi around her waist adorned with thin yellow strips. Her hair was resting down to her right shoulder instead of her usual buns. The left side of her hair was clipped behind her left ear with a flower. (See how I sucked in describing? lol. I'll just leave it to your imagination) Hijikata was in complete awe that his cigarette fell from his mouth. Her kimono fits perfectly well with her pale complexion. He was drawn back to reality when he heard Gintoki's laugh.

"You look like a bodyguard for a pop idol when you're near Kagura, Oogushi-kun. You also look like a lolicon" Gintoki laughed harder.

"The hell did you say, wavy-haired punk?!"

"Ma, calm down Hijikata-san." Shinpachi interrupted. "We have a one big problem"

"Huh? What problem?" Hijikata asked while lighting another cigarette in his mouth.

"A ring" Shinpachi said. "In proposal, there must've been a ring already. Good thing my sister didn't look for the ring when we've told her"

"Don't worry, I've got one here" Hijikata takes out a silver ring from his pocket making the yorozuya trio in complete awe.

"Is that a real silver, Hijikata-san?" Shinpachi asked.

"Of course. Though it's just a fake wedding, I can't let my bride wear a cheap ring. And also, they'll find out if I didn't put some effort and budget on this one. It's expensive so take care of it, china girl" Hijikata tossed the ring to Kagura but Gintoki catched it. "Oi, don't think of selling it. Give it to the china girl already"

"Do you think that is the proper way of giving your bride an engagement ring, Oogushi-kun?" Gintoki asked.

"Huh? What are you talking about? And stop calling me Oogushi! Who the hell is that?!"

"Sou, Hijikata-san. You must hand the ring to your bride properly" Shinpachi said.

"Okay, okay." Hijikata gets the ring from Gintoki and handed it to Kagura's palm. "Take care of it"

"Pattsuan. Let's beat some sense in this guy"

"Oi wait! What the hell is wrong with it?! I've handed the ring properly! And we need to go now, it's already 7pm. I'll take her to the headquarters" Hijikata grabbed Kagura's arm and started walking through the door but Gintoki grabbed his shoulder to stopped him.

"Where do you think you're going, Oogushi-kun? You can't escape"

"I said I'm going to take her to the headquarters! I don't have time for your crap!" Hijikata grabbed Kagura's arm again but Gintoki stopped Hijikata this time by punching him in the face.

"Gin-san!" Shinpachi shouted.

"What the hell was that for, you wavy-haired punk?!" Hijikata asked angrily. Gintoki grabbed Hijikata's collar.

"Though this is just a fake wedding or whatsoever. This is Kagura's first engagement so do a better job of it. Make it a moment she'll never forget!" Gintoki exclaimed then let go of Hijikata's collar. "I don't care how much money would you pay but if you can't act as a proper groom of our Kagura, then forget it. Remember what you've just said earlier?"

_'Though it's just a fake wedding, I can't let my bride wear a cheap ring. And also, they'll find out if I didn't put some effort and budget on this one.'_

"Though it's gold or silver or diamond, what's the purpose of a ring if you can't give it to your bride properly? You said it yourself that you would put effort in it, then do it right now. Bend down on one knee, take her hand in yours and ask her to marry you. Make her feel that the two of you are not just pretending. You should be able to do that at least."

"Che. I guess I have no choice. I'll just have to do it right?" Hijikata said and smirked, same with Gintoki.

Hijikata gently opens Kagura's palm to get the ring and slowly kneeled infront of her and stared passionately at her cerulean eyes. "Will you marry me, china girl?" He asked in a husky voice. However, Gintoki threw a bottle at Hijikata's head disrupting the mood. "What's it this time, huh?!"

"Don't call her china girl, idiot. Call her Kagura, KA-GU-RA!" Gintoki exclaimed.

"Okay, okay. I got it. You don't have to throw a bottle at me!"

"Take two!" Gintoki shouted.

Hijikata coughs a little to fixed his voice and stared passionately again at Kagura's cerulean eyes that made Kagura blushed a little. "Would you be my wife, Kagura?" He asked again in a husky voice. Kagura was completely speechless so she just nodded as a reply. Then Hijikata gently lifts Kagura's right hand and place the ring into her ring finger. Just when Gintoki and Shinpachi thought that the scene was already over, Hijikata brought Kagura's right hand to his lips and kissed it gently. Gintoki and Shinpachi were completely dumfounded at the scene before them but their thought is "This was a better proposal than last time."

**Flashback: **

_"I'll try to bring him back from reality!" Kagura claimed. She walked towards the lifeless vice-commander and started tapping his face. "Oi, oi, you still alive?" She asked with a mocking tone, still tapping his face._

_"Uhm, Kagura-chan. I think it's not a good idea. He might be in a bad mood." Shinpachi warned Kagura trying to stopped her from her actions._

_However, Kagura, ignoring Shinpachi's warning, still continued on tapping Hijikata's face. Her taps are getting harder and harder every tap. Until someone grabs her wrist and brought her face closer to his. _

_"Oi, china-girl. Would you be my wife?" Hijikata asked with calm expression on his face like there's nothing wrong about it. However, a very hard slap from Kagura was the only respond that he almost turn his head 360 degrees._

**End of Flashback**

"Is that really Kagura-chan and Hijikata-san?" Shinpachi asked.

"It can't be avoided. We're in a romance fanfic. Nothing good will come out from this story if we would just keep them character all the time. Most of the characters ... no, all of the characters are idiots after all" Gintoki explained.

"Ma, but it looks like it turned out good."

Hijikata stood up from kneeling and offered his left arm to Kagura which she've gladly accepted. She wraps her right arm in his left arm making them look like a real couple or maybe a lolicon Hijikata? xD

"Now they look like a real couple, Gin-san"

"Still, Oogushi-kun looked like a lolicon and a personal bodyguard of a pop idol" Gintoki said while picking his nose.

"We're going to the headquarters now, yorozuya. Don't worry, I'll bring her home" Hijikata said.

"You better be. Ah, I need to say something to you Kagura"

"What is it, Gin-chan?

"Don't pick your nose while meeting his colleagues and one more thing. Act ladylike, don't do troublesome things."

"I got it!"

"We'll take our leave now" Then Hijikata and Kagura has already made their way to the Shinsensumi's HQ leaving the two males in the house.

"Gin-san"

"Hmm?"

"Do you think it will work out?" Shinpachi asked worrily. "I'm worried that Kagura-chan will make trouble"

"Don't worry. He's with Kagura, I'm sure he'll be able to make some kind of follow if she messed up. Or did you already forget who he is?"

"Huh?"

"The master of cleaning up messes, Followkata Toushifollow"

Thank you really for the reviews!

**Mio windhive:** LOL. Sorry for the late update, please don't kill me.

**JustAhReader:** Yah thanks! I'm still thinking for improvement.

**Korin-chan14:** Yes, he's a lolicon. Haha, thanks!

**Sha5aditto: **Actually, I didn't know that there was a HijiKagu pairing not until I went to gintamaconfessions then I decided to write a fanfic about them since I found them cute.

**Nyzu:** Yep, the only thing I feel sorry for is updating you guys with this crappy chapter.

**Kuro:** Thanks!

**Kanon rizumu: **Thanks! Of course it's okay, it's a pleasure.

**Laffy50:** Thanks! 3

**PrincessofChina07:** Haha yeah me too.

**Note:** Yah, this chapter really sucks. I'm really sorry about the Kimono thingy. I really sucked at descriptions. I know there are some ooc-ness in it but it's just few so just don't mind it lol. I REALLY WANTED TO THANK THE REVIEWERS! IT INSPIRES ME ALOT. I THOUGHT MY REVIEW IN THIS ONE WOULD BE ZERO SINCE IT'S A HIJIKAGU FANFIC. Thank you for reading and I hope that you would continue reading this until the end. See ya next chapter~


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